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August 17, 2003
Well, I’ll be Steve’s monkey’s uncle
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I swear to God I need to do an entire post with the funny shit my friend Meghan sends me. Maybe an entire web page dedicated to her emails…
Anyhoo, her latest was a link to a wonderful collection of Baptist Fellowship Creation Science Fair projects catalogued online for our collective bemusement. The “science” fair claims that it’s goal is to “get kids excited about Creation and motivate them to discover the truth of our Lord on their own.” The discovery of said truths have led the children to submit projects, displays, and experiments with titles such as “Pokemon Proves Evolution is False” (Paul Sanborn, grade 4), and “My Uncle is a Man Named Steve (Not a Monkey)” (Cassidy Turnbull, grade 5). Wonderful.
Professor Jonathan Goode (grade 7) has several near-irrefutable arguments as to why “Women Were Designed For Homemaking,” including thoughts about their center of gravity and why that benefits them in doing the laundry.
A smirking, sniveling Anna Reed (grade 6) wants to know: “Rocks Can’t Evolve, Where Did They Come From Mr. Darwin?”
It even appears that some students have taken the Bapstist Science Fair as an opportunity to show their artistic side. You never know, there could be a critic or gallery owner there as a parent. Take, for example, the abstract yet profound modern installation entitled “Moustrap Reduced to Pile of Functionless Parts” by 7th grader Kevin Parker.
It appears that other students just weren’t up to the challenge presented to them and phoned their projects. “Pine Cones Are Complicated” purports to show to us the beauty and complexity of God’s design in yada yada yada. Thanks, David Block and Trevor Murry (grade 4).
Other kids decided that praying for bacteria to grow, stuffing an arc-shaped-box with rats, or watering some charcoal briquettes would be a good way to show their love for the lord and their hate for everything else.
Bottom line: These kids are totally fucked.